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Cyrus A

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ten years [Jan. 25th, 2017|11:05 pm]
Cyrus A
It has been ten years since I graduated from college. Just shy anyway. I now only have 2400 dollars of student loans outstanding. I just paid about that amount yesterday. My issue these days is not being able to do schoolwork. I really don't want to do it for some reason. I don't think it will change me, but if it does I don't want that change. I don't think what I produce is quality, so don't produce anything. I sometimes get positive about doing it still, is the amazing thing. But then I go in and any other task is preferable. It is very important to play words with friends for example, or hang the maps in the office. or clean the desk. my attentions span is shorter than it was. I used to write like this for much longer but am exhausted of it already. I always read is the thing. I read and then forget. I feel like I never remember anything. My measure of importance doesn't extend to step by step ArcMap (a mapping program) instructions. The way to learn that stuff is repetition and I avoid it like the plague and don't do it enough to pick it up. One can't consciously remember that stuff, can one?

The procrastination is catching up and will at the end of this semester if I don't get it under control. It is sad because my whole life just suffers under its weight. I know this and yet can't get the gumption to stick it out through one work session until the work is done. The work is presentations and labs and final projects.

But back to my first thought for this post. It has been nearly ten years since my first year at Glacier National Park. Currently my stated goal is to get this masters degree in geographical and sustainability sciences in order to be attractive to the park service so that I may get a job as visitor use assistant and then possibly something year round. I tell the professors I want to be involved in the planning, the management of public lands, but I question if that would really be enjoyable. Having seen how it is done, with value matrices for different alternatives and cost benefit accounting, these long unreadable documents. I would be producing these, is the thing. Retch. I don't want to be a part of such shite. I prefer reading the lay person comments, that actually make sense.

Back again, it has been ten years and I'm here in Iowa City for the past 3, doing the same thing, but doing worse and worse at it it seems. I don't think I am really changing, except in that I'm physically older and in worse shape, sitting on this procrastination seat. This do-nothing chair. Oh the exquisite pleasure that is to be had from completing a lab. HA! It would be a relief though, it would lighten this feeling of incapacity. The folks here are friendlies, but not friends I declare. I'm pitied occasionally, as today, when I try to connect with an office mate. He thinks I want a pep talk for my studies but I don't want to talk about them at all. I want him to not talk about studies. How can we really be this serious about ourselves in this office?

My advisor pushes me to be better but I think I'm fine the way I am. Who is he to try to shape me. A concept must be quantifiable he tries to tell me. Okay, that is a different definition for the word than the common one. That's fine, but it annoys me that a perfectly good word, like concept, must gain a new definition. No you can't steal my words. My definition is larger than yours. It's more important, but I suppose it's no skin off my back to make room for another one. I appreciate this, but resent it.

So ten years ago I first worked in Glacier. and then twice more two years apart each. I want to live there, but when there, don't. I feel at home in Des Moines and nowhere else. But I don't think life there is consequential. The same for life here, and in Idaho, and in glacier when I was there. This isn't my life, my life is elsewhere. My life is in hiking and skateboarding and snowboarding. My life is exertion and exhaustion, not stuffing my face watching television shows and movies. But I don't exert myself and live for 1 hour and 45 minutes each day. That would be selling out. No, I simply live for 6 hours or whatever I can grab on the weekends. And I live my philosophy by pushing myself toward failure, proving that I do not care about this academic course, this department, this class, this assignment. I am a skater, after all. I watch the thrasher videos and eat cheese bites.

Eleven years ago I lived in Colorado Springs in a single dorm room with a small window looking at pikes peak. That wasn't my home. I visited the group of friends that let me in. My life was split. I keep on doing this. I split it up. I am not here, really, I am elsewhere. I am divided. This is what I hate in a daily schedule. I'd rather do nothing all day than commit to following a schedule. Or lettign a schedule dictate my attention. I see it as letting some ruler control me. No i will not I will do whatever the fuck I want. It's only when the ruler is truly in power that I bend to it... like at work driving where I must do it, physically. Grading was so miserable because the mind is not free. The mind must be yoked blindered and made to haul. I'd rather my body be? But that is not true! Freedom is the goal, and the illusion of freedom offered by procrastination and task avoidance is what I am settling for. I am tethered, and it is good. But i don't feel that it is good. I forget how awful aimlessness is. I am happy to have the restrictions and foolishly revolt against them like a silly horse that needs the protection of the pasture fence but broods about its existance. Out side the fence I was truly low. Here inside I can enjoy my lowness, my depression, and the structure, and limply fight against it but of course to no avail.

I could quit tomorrow. And be unemployed and soon to be broke and unable to recreate as I like. And then the obligations would sting even more. I should work for the positive. It is difficult for me. Always the defensive player since elementary soccer. Games of skate, can hold on but seldom win. And never skunk somebody, of course that would be mean!

I have an appointment with a orthopedic surgeon - probably not a surgeon, but somebody who may recommend surgery about my ankle. I have osteoarthritis they say in my ankle. Arthritis I think is a misnomer because to me that results from age and long term use. But i suppose it's my definition of the word that's in error, who am I to call it a misnomer. I'm fucking Cyrus that's who. Anyway overuse of ankle has caused these osteophytes to grow on the socket of the ankle, which cause pain and decreased motion. THis is my belief, anyway. The physical therapist suggest this might be the case - he said, "if it's a physical blockage, this won't help" I thought the stretches weren't going to help. The question is would the surgery really help? Would the side effects be worse than the current situation? It's not bad, I just can't skateboard without pain, which is pretty bad. But should I just take the ib profuen and not be such a baby? And lose weight, of course...

I eat out like my dad these days, every lunch. I alway dream of skipping it and donating to a bum or a charity. But then just get a sandwich and an ice cream sandwich.
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Baby Joanie Shower in Bentonsport [Nov. 22nd, 2015|06:57 pm]
Cyrus A
Today got back from Bentonsport. Stayed there last night with my family, Alicia and Joanie, as well as my mother, brother and sister, my aunt and cousin, and other aunt and grandma. It was fun, they gave Alicia and I and Joanie presents on account that Joanie was just born about a month ago.

Went to the farm with Seth, burned a bonfire of brush, as well as some old carpets. The carpets smoked green and black. Can't figure out what to do with that place. It's crumbling, on its way to a ruin but not nearly there yet, currently a filthy, filthy mess pile. Wet as the roof is failing, windows falling out, floors not firm. Not a great place in which to hang out! More alluring is the wilderness feel of the place, nobody goes there, and as my pappy owns it, I have more claim to it than anybody, and so can do any thing that's possible there. Problem being not much is possible, and at no point in the future will anybody ever want to live there, or even visit.

Currently freezing in this computer lab in the West art building at the University of Iowa. The building above the little pond they artificially color. perhaps i can adjust the thermostat. I found it, and did. I doubt it will make much a difference but here's hoping. It is an extremely well ventilated room, is the problem.

Seth has been reading this live journal lately and so I write this to encourage him to write his own. It is a good way to find your voice and feel comfortable writing. I should continue to do it too, perhaps feel better. I end up writing not about the day's events, but feelings of despair, but will attempt not to do that anymore.

We walked around Bentonsport and reminisced. Emily was cold but happy to do it. Neat that Elizabeth lived there for a time. I gave Elizabeth this hat I found at a thrift store, I hope she likes it. And Seth this vest it seems he doesn't. I wish the vest would fit my barrel of a torso.

I watched Joanie after Alicia fed her, Alicia went to the store. It was alert look around time for Joanie, but I wanted to take a nap. So I took her in to the bedroom and, after burping her a bit, laid her next to me, looking at the bright window shade. I was on my side, she in front of me, and I nodded off a bit, not really asleep. She was content to look around. She brought me back with a slight noise, she seemed unhappy in her position. I held her close to me and rolled onto my back, little Joanie face down on my chest. She was unhappy until I got settled on my back. (I rolled slow, as to not shake her around). The moment she lay her ear on my chest, she went to sleep. It was surprising. So sweet, the little one. So I took selfies with her like a moron. Alicia came home and I pretended to sleep so she could find us. We are wise to the cute but Joanie has no idea of it, thank goodness.
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HI SETH [Oct. 12th, 2015|10:04 pm]
Cyrus A
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Cyrus A
I have nothing to do. Nothing I have to do. Lack of money doesn't let me do the things I want to do, such as go to certain places. I could backpack but I don't want to. Soon I'd run out of food anyways. Sugar levels grumpiness depression depths. I want to have friends, but I don't want to make them again. I want to write but can't stand my tone.

Emptiness of I. Down town by the lake for happy wealthy. The optimistic and engaged. Not the type at the bar all the time. Or browsing the goodwill, unable to purchase. Froid void. Warm summertime present. I'll live in the future from here on. Pretend it's already fall.

The prisoner Bowe returned. traded for five murrrdruerers. It is a good development, no matter how sliced. The situation past: What a mess, how the press sanitizes everything. They almost make it seem like public officials do things and have power.

Going to go to school but can't afford it. It's a waste I know. My passion is internet publishing HA HA. i'll pursue that.

groin pains growing panes going rains

brevity span of attention. care, concern. in depth thought is not available quickly. As an adult, I can sit for days on end. I can focus for much of them. My understanding can overcome obstacles, given time or help. I could use a drafting program or suggest a solution. possibly. perhaps not fast enough. but why should I.

you need a photo id to give me my transcripts, of course. you recognize me from the other day, of course, but can't bring yourself to break that rule. for the likes of me, after all who am I to you, perhaps a malfeasant, definitely not overly polite. you need the photo id, and all will be well. here. all is approved, all is fine. all is above board and in view, easily glanced aligned. it was before, but the photo id makes it so official.

fostered child. foster. foster faster. pushed away. right?

wrong. usage: They fostered it on to me? wrong. A good teacher fosters learning. right! right! a foster child has been orphaned doe.

foisted? this annoying child was foist upon us. at least we get the money. there it is. no wonder. pronunciation mite.
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four years since last! [May. 27th, 2014|11:01 am]
Cyrus A
An official transcript costs five dollars.
You're kidding, don't I get one with tuition?
No, five dollars per transcript. Ten to rush it.
Okay, here is the cash (I'm surprised I have it, and not pleased to part with it.)
I'm sorry, the registrar doesn't accept payment, only student accounts does, the next window over. Just fill out the purple form, pay students accounts, they'll stamp the form, then bring it back here.
...rude outburst, following directions...
Thank you! Your transcript will be ready in approximately five business days.
When do you think it will be?
Can't say, we'll call you in five business days. Thank you!

So piddling, yet I experience this immense maddening feeling. This lack of means eats away at my composure, and it seems I'm powerless against it. Now potential employers won't see evidence of a winning personality when they check my facebook account, not that they do, or would read to understand this. Look at this evidence of depression. It's a cry for comfort of course. I'll comfort him. It'll be alright Cyrus. I support you. Oh thank you, I know, but when I type my own name Miley is suggested. I can't post this on facebook, livejournal perhaps.
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ddt [Feb. 15th, 2012|11:32 am]
Cyrus A
Here at Urbandale high school working as an associate and just observed a teacher present the Ramones' teenage lobotomy as a helpful way to understand the word cerebellum. which was my idea. delightful. she understood the song as the government lobotomizing its citizens, its use of ddt being a prime example. i never thought of it that way. i had figured ddt could be abused as a highly damaging drug, but that is not true. ddt has mental side effects in humans? apparently not.
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Work Day [Jun. 1st, 2010|08:04 pm]
Cyrus A
My occupation these days is driving around spraying trees. Spruce trees this and last week, crab apple trees the couple weeks before that, austrian pines before that. I've sprayed them with fungicides. I don't know exactly how dangerous the chemicals are to me. The directions say to avoid them. Common sense stuff, like don't let it get on your skin, and don't drink it, and avoid the dust. Co-worker suggests that babies will come out retarded and the grain of truth in that upsets me. But, on the other hand, it's rather easier, that is, less back-breaking, than feeding the chipper or cutting down trees, the other options at this work place, and doesn't involve man-dicing implements. Though the excessive driving is dangerous as well. Especially at 2:30 like the other day when I was falling asleep until I heard an ad on 1040 suggesting that 2:30 is a drowsy time for a lot of folks like you and why don't you go ahead and try this energy drink? Today sprayed 85 spruces. Altogether. Will get paid 130 dollars for those ten hours. That's pretty good by my standards. Come sometime the job will pay for half of my health insurance. with an optical option, which was enticing before I bellied up and paid for an eye exam. Bellied up? Anted up? Manned up? Sucked it up? Bent over?

Drive around town a lot for the job, looking for 45233 45th ct., Clive. Have a good Des Moines map with a nice index of all the streets with ballpark addresses even. Still do a lot of three point turns. Damn truck doesn't allow too many U's.

Today just opted to change oil in car rather than get physical check-up (mandated by work) at the Grace free clinic. Next Tuesday, perhaps.

Finding addresses would perhaps be easier with a GPS device. I resist, though I see it would probably save me time. Can't know every address/block in Des Moines, after all. I know though, that I wouldn't replace the intellectual adventure of finding the place with anything other than a little more intent listening to NPR or the ad 1040 happens to be playing. The time saving would make me a little more relaxed, perhaps more complacent. Nah, not that value-laden. ssss

This past memorial day weekend travelled up into northeast Iowa. Volga River recreation area (mostly for horses), Elkader, Town of volga, Strawberry Point and the largest weeping willow in the state, Joy springs area (not that great), gravel roads through those wooded steep valleys, virgin timber somewhere close to the turkey river and the mississippi (trail-less, we long pants-less, underwhelming), la crosse, probably leaving quite a lot out, finally Dutton's Cave, which was deserted and amazing. Springs bubbling out of the ground. Vacant waterfall revealed cave (trail that led to it was spanned by a stately basswood arch) creek stomped in and looked at the spring water which held some silt similar to glacial flour, giving it a tint, yet it was clear. And cold! The Volga river earlier wasn't so cold, and the sun was so hot, swimming was delightful under the bridge and the high school kids on it. "Hold on to a rock and swim like a fish!" The current was frightening at first but not for long. What mainly composed that fright was aversion to getting shorts wet, which is laughable in hindsight. Decorah parade, whippy dip.

Going to ask for time off for Chris and Sarah's wedding. Fingers crossed for Glacier time. perhaps mt james would be doable? Or good old mt. henry? Phillips just isn't in the cards this summer it seems. straight up Painted teepee and down round the trail... shoot just mt. rockwell.... what would Alicia like? better order those boots quick like if they're going to be broken in at all. Limmers y'all, (!).

workaday goes fast, really, jobs take too much time. i want to get more of those cards done but shoot soon enough it's five and i'm not looking to kill myself here after all. ha, it's so easy. oops oil spill. stupid media covering stupid reactions... i spilled some oil during my oil change. shoot. got some sawdust, soaked it up as best i could. over at parents' now waiting for somebody, anybody to get home. eight and nobody. been here since five thirty. they are so busy i guess. dark out lightening and wind. wonder how many of the jobs i'll have to redo, even though i used that additive that's supposed to make it rain-proof. if i were a customer in the know i'd say, "Rick, that is bullshit get that guy [Cyrus Andrews] out here to do it again." and he'd say "Well, alright Mr. Buber will do. Yes better safe than sorry."

hooooooooooo that feels better.
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two days until loan payment vanishes from account [Feb. 18th, 2010|11:52 am]
Cyrus A
Rather proud of my self as just found a disk i was looking for. I didn't just look under everything and in every stupid place like i normally do, i looked in a spot where it made sense for it to be (though i didn't really expect it to be there) and there it was.

feeling like the livejournal genre that i've created doesn't really work for me anymore, that's why lj went out of fashion i think. it had become a genre of introspection that first my group of friends got sick of then, then i did too. though i still do it occasionally:

looking to get a job and a place to stay with alicia so we can live life and feel free to do what we want all the time. i want to maybe get a dog. go on rambles with it. that's pretty much it. would like to have a fulfilling, important, worthwhile, challenging job, but don't want it bad enough to work for years and years for it. all is vanity?

my feet are freezing. the possum that lives over under one of the sheds now comes looking for scraps regularly out the back step. he's growing on us. we'll probably trap him (probably a her, actually, because i saw babies once) still and take her far away somewhere.
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Glacier [Dec. 2nd, 2009|12:33 pm]
Cyrus A

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Dublin [Nov. 25th, 2009|01:03 pm]
Cyrus A
Dun Laoghaire is pronouced Dun Leary. And spelled that way, occasionally. Here I am in this sea-side town. The shopping areas are very clearly diffferent than the residential areas. The pubs are warm and inviting. The public restrooms difficult to find. See description of pubs. The coast and sea intrigue me most. The history of this place is too extensive for me to be interested in. Little tourist tidbits of information are difficult to contextualize. The two libraries I've been in so far both have had not nearly enough sitting areas or books. But all I wanted was the internet any way. NAVEL GAZING AGAIN. Hungry. Read Brisingr? Already have twice. Well i want to go live in a rural hostel where there'd be less to do. Less bustle I hate bustle.

These contacts are blurring. Skateboarding in the wet. And the wind.

This morning sailed out the east pier. Didn't have to push for ages on that smooth smooth cement. Very nice. Walked leaning into it back. Don't want to buy shoes! Don't want to buy jacket! Don't want to buy nice dinner! Don't want to buy extraordinary holiday experience!
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